No need for coffee, now you can get caffeine right in your oatmeal


Coffee just too much to deal with in the morning? All that measuring, filling, gurgling, etc., not to mention all that drinking of a liquid that you’ll just need to deal with later. You say to yourself, ‘what if there was something caffeinated that could stick to my ribs?’ Great news! Now there is caffeinated oatmeal.

Yes, you read right, caffeinated oatmeal; now you can have the caffeine jitters you desire without drinking one drop of java with Morning Spark Instant Oatmeal. Fast too. No waiting in line. Look out Starbucks.

Oh oh! Run! Here comes Mr. Coffee Nerves!



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Coffee, East of Java, Part Deux

Well, we have another contestant in the java look-alike contest. Teeccino Caffeine-Free Herbal Coffee (I know how oxymoronic “herbal coffee” sounds) seems to taste okay. I say ‘seems to’ because I bought the Vanilla Nut Herbal Coffee, which claims to have “… Teeccino’s dark, robust body…accented with golden roasted almonds and tropical nuts including coconut” and creamy “organic Mexican vanilla highlights.” Now, it does taste like vanilla flavored coffee with a pleasant hint of coconut. I simply prefer my coffee with nothing but coffee taste and creamy half & half.

Mary and I head for the metropolis of Santa Rosa mañana. I’m on a quest for the perfect coffee substitute.

I haven’t found anything to replace India Pale Ale yet.

Don’t plan to try.

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Coffee East of Java


As I sit at my kitchen table with my steaming cup of substitute, let me say that I have had only one cup of coffee in fourteen days. No caffeine in thirteen of fourteen days. I miss it. I love coffee (not enough to marry it, mind you, our relationship knew no bounds). I had a map in my head of where every Starbucks was between Sacramento and Portland.

Pero, Roma, Rooibos, Postum (screw you Mr. Coffee Nerves), none of them are substitutes for coffee: Joe, Java, Arabica, French Roasted nirvana. I’m jonesing for Coffee; you know what I’m saying?

Also on the dietary no-no list are fatty foods like potato chips and French fries. In fact, to know what I can and can’t have, make a list of all the foods you love—chocolate, coffee, rich desserts—and cross all of them off your list.

Oh, and one more, to make matters even more dismal, I’m not allowed beer (no alcohol) either.

I hope my stomach appreciates the sacrifice that I’m making for it.

Skål.

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