The Week’s What Next? Contest/Feb. 20, 2009

The Week’s “What Next?” Contest (emailed entries are due to whatnext@theweek.com by 5 p.m. Eastern Time, Monday, Feb. 16.) revolves around flight Aeroflot 315’s drunken pilot incident where passengers made enough of a fuss about the apparent intoxication of their pilot, they were able to have him removed and replaced.

According to an article on the London Times Online:

One [Areoflot official] sought to reassure [passengers] by announcing that it was “not such a big deal” if the pilot was drunk because the aircraft practically flew itself.

The Week’s Challenge:

Please come up with a takeoff announcement that might tip off plane passengers that the pilot is too soused to fly.

What the heck. Here’s the entry I sent to “whatnext@theweek.com”:

Good after-noon ladies and germs,This you’re your captain drinking. Welcome to Flight Fwee-Five-Fo-Fum, non-stop from wherever the hell we are right now to Dallas or Dulles or one of those places that begins with the letter “d.” This is a non-smoking flight, but the government has not yet made it non-drinking. Trust me on this one when I tell you that the lovely Maya who just demonstrated how to put a life preserver on, though I think we can safely say she doesn’t need one. Am I right or what? Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, drinking. Maya mixes a terrific bloody Mary. So, drinks on the house; have her mix you one of those tomato smoothies, sit back, relax, and enjoy our flight to Denmark.

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Study Finds People Like Study Findings

THE WEEK magazine’s contest for this week involved studies that state the obvious:

A new study has determined that the closer teenagers live to a lot of liquor stores, the more likely it is that they will drink. Astounding! Please invent another scientific study that proves the obvious and provide the headline for that study. For example: Students Who Study Outperform Those Who Don’t on Tests, New Study Finds.

Here were the ones I cooked up, the one with the star is the one I sent in:

  • Study finds military better at nation breaking than nation building.
  • Study finds similarly hued grass on the other side.
  • Study finds other grasses to be greener.
  • Study finds a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
  • Study finds birds in the bush to be overrated.
  • Study finds avians eschew congregating amongst similarly feathered cohort.
  • Study concludes ‘more study needed’ into whether more studies are needed.*

What studies would you suggest?

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The Week’s “What Next?” Contest

THE WEEK (motto: All You Need to Know About Everything That Matters) is a great weekly news magazine. We love it. It’s full of great writing from all over the world.

Well, last week on the last page they added something new, a contest. The prize was one year’s subscription to The Week. We were asked to come up with the opening (first five sentences or so) of a romance novel starring Sarah Palin. I entered but didn’t win. Their winner is here.

Here are my and Mary’s entries:

Sarah whispered into his ear, “I thought guys like you were only in, you know, books. Not only can you can field strip and clean a Glockenspiel TRX-7 assault rifle, but you know about my, well. . . everything, even my plumbing.” She winked.

“Yeah, well, when you’ve watched Red Dawn as many times as I have, you learn a thing or two about guns.” He fished his plumber’s snake into Sarah’s cleaning outlet. “And plumbing’s easy. You don’t need a fancy license or nothin’. Just have to know that water seeks its own level.”

Sarah moved closer. “Just like me and you, huh?”


* * *

“If it were wrong, why would God make it feel so good?” Sarah bit her lip and fiddled with the top button of her blouse. “I mean, God does work in really mysterious ways doesn’t he?”

Joe set the toilet on top of the wax ring. “I guess so.”

“Say you don’t know, Joe.” She winked into the mirror. “Sure he does. How else would I have been given a charge card with unlimited credit for my new wardrobe? God knew I needed it.”

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On to this week’s contest, “the next dumb study.” If you’re interested, entries are emailed and due by 5 p.m. Eastern Time, Monday, Jan. 19.
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