Episode 10
“As I was saying,” Bumblebore continued, “A Horcrux contains a piece of a wizard’s or witch’s sole.”
“S-O-U-L, right?”
“Nay, verily,” the wizened wizard whispered conspiratorially. “Like the sole of their shoe.”
He plunked his size twelve dirty canvas sneakers, complete with a huge hole, which let his big toe out to look around, onto the tabletop. “A piece of the sole is torn away when the miscreant magician micturates on the law against jaywalking. Lard Wal D’Mart has jaywalked hundreds of times.”
“Wow, so that means—”
“You got it wizard breath,” Bumblebore finished his Long Island Iced Tea and pulled a stogie from under his Washington Wizards cap and fished for a match within his voluminous gravy-stained raiment that he eventually found on the table. He said an incantation, to Harry it sounded like, well we can’t say that otherwise this blog would be flagged and our little soapbox would be yanked from beneath our cyber feet, rubbed it against his robe and the match magically burst into flame. “His sole is in a Million Little Pieces.”
Bumblebore lit the stogie and blew rings of smoke, which magically grew ever larger until they disappeared. “Pretty neat, huh?” he asked enthusiastically.
“Plih,” said Harry derisively. “That nutter Doodley used to light his farts on fire—flames three to four feet sometimes. Why onetime—”
“Oi!” yelled Weasel as he and Hermione came back into the story. “You’ll never guess what Hermione taught me how to do wi’ me wand!”
Hermione followed a few paces behind Weasel straightening her robe. “Oh, I’m pretty sure they can,” she said demurely whilst trying to get her hair to smooth out in back.
“Well, gotta go,” called Bumblebore.
The group looked up to see the last of Bumblebore’s robe disappearing magically behind the corner of the terminal.
“There they are,” cried someone.
Harry, Hermione, and Weasel looked to their left to see security wizards bearing down on them.
“Exit stage right,” hollered Hermione and she grabbed the collars of her companions and hauled them away.
Nullius in Verba 
This is going from strength to strength!*
Don’t stop. It made me laugh (magically).
*Pesky word echoes…
On the verge of racy here. Ron and his wand? Goodness.
A couple of weeks ago I spotted a video at Blockbuster featuring the mug of a young Rupert Grint (I think that is the young fella’s name) on a DVD case for a movie called something like “Thunderbutt”. I may be completely off on that, but the story apparently centers on another young chap (not of Harry Potter descent and so therefore not top-billed) who possesses some sort of tremendous fart power. Explosive or healing or simply sonorous, I’m not sure.
Your Bumblebore is a keeper.
Lexi: My goal is to have milk shoot through your nose.
Alan: Yup, if we’re not careful we’ll be as racy as Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang.
Rupert Grint was in Thunderpants.
An 11-year-old boy’s amazing ability to break wind leads him first to fame and then to death row, before it helps him to fulfill his ambition of becoming an astronaut.”
Fascinating.
Have either of you checked out a site called Frontlist? Just a little like YWO with fellow writer critiques, but done quite differently. You submit your chapters, wait for them to be approved for inclusion, and then you are assigned five other entries. I have read and critiqued two so far and am very much hoping at least one of the remaining three has a bit more in the way of, shall we say, literary merit about it.
Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang will have me humming Music Man tunes for the remainder of the day.
I am suffering from a mild case of “why didn’t I think of that?” depression over the “Thunderpants” screenplay. If Shakespeare were (was?) alive today he would steal that storyline in a heartbeat.
Norm,
Did you see what Christopher Moore posted on his blog? The man is a bit crude, isn’t he? But I think we have all seen that crude and funny, when in capable hands, can be pretty darned funny.
Eh, Bumblebore?
I’ve not checked out Frontlist. Is it US based? You Write On feels like more than I can do right now.
It’s “If Shakespeare were…” since it’s the subjunctive and there’s an article on that very thing in this month’s copy of The Writer.
I’ll have to check out Moore’s blog. His posting I DO NOT READ is hilarious. Read it now if you haven’t already.
I did read JA Konrath’s blog about POD; that was interesting.
While the M&M thing is funny. The “Ask Mr. Yogi Fix-it Guy”is too funny for words.
Alan, I’ve just spent the WHOLE morning on Frontline thanks to you, and I should be wax modelling two goblets.
It’s terrifying that nothing can be changed, unlike on dear old YWO.
So I haven’t pressed ‘submit’ quite yet.
See you there…
Sorry about that Lexi.
It does have a couple of saving graces to it. For one thing, excerpts are limited to 3000 words, so if you get stuck with a stinker or two it doesn’t take as long to slog through it. Also, it has NO MESSAGE BOARD. This is a blessing and a curse. It removes the community feel but it forces you to just get on, do your critiques and get off.
Also, there is a neat little annotation section on the pages while you are reading so you can make quick notes very handily.
As a lovely place to gather, YWO has it all over Frontlist, but I figured I would check it out. Three more reviews to go. You have to do five before your piece can contend for the recognition prize. I think a candy bar is involved also.
The internet was down at our house all morning. I was kinda, sorta hoping it would still be down when I got back from visiting my Mom and doing chores. But it is good to communicate, isn’t it?
Just finished my third review for Frontlist. I believe excruciating would be appropriate. If the fourth one is this bad I’m seriously considering not even bothering with reviewing it.
So, Lexi, if you will take my warning: your time would be much better spent on your vastly superior work.
So Alan,
On the plus side, your writing should rise to the very top.
Ah, but I think we all know the danger inherent in consorting with the, shall we say, unlettered?
I ain’t counting on nothing. Except the fact that I’ve finally figured out what to do with a minor (well, really, nothing is minor) bit of dialogue between Darin and Art in The Baer Boys that had been driving me nuts.
Off to clean the bathroom! Maybe more ideas will come to me there!
Try driving to achieve that Theta state.
I’ve found running works too. It’s just hard to carry a pen and paper in one’s running shorts.
Haven’t been able to do the running thing for years. The feet and knees ain’t what they used to be. In my twenties it was five miles a day. In my thirties I rode my bike a lot. In my forties I tore up the garden whether it needed it or not. Now I walk as much as I can. That and the weekly three to twelve pallet truck at work helps keep me at fighting weight. Problem this time of year is the ungodly heat.
Makes a fellow glisten, you know?
Alan, when I read the reference to Ted’s knee in CEFGW I knew at once that you, too, had a knee that could not be totally relied upon at all times.
Mine is quiescent at the moment, I am happy to say. Could be cured, could be skulking, can’t say.
Cleaning the bathroom does not work for me, inspiration-wise.
Not that I’ve tried it for a while.
When I read the thing well after its “production date” it did occur to me that there is at least a bit of me in every character. Even Leslie.
Heck, even Bethie.
Yes, I know exactly what you mean. Some characters more than others – but it does reveal interesting new possibilities for oneself.
You could, for instance (and I’m not recommending this, you understand) develop and bring to the fore the Leslie side of you.
Opening up a whole new career outside retailing, writing, and your sideline as an upper storey burglar.
Nope. I want to clear the paint (basketball term) with a well placed elbow and hip and play guitar like Joe Pass. If I want to be anyone in my book, it is Ted, bad knees and all.
Interestingly, the Frontlist appears to be run by the people who are publishing Bob Burke’s Third Pig Detective Agency…(The Friday Project)
Hmm. From frontlist’s FAQ:
What is the catch? How does the site make money?
The Frontlist funds itself by charging writers £10 to view the critiques on their work. £10 gets you access to ALL of the critiques that have been provided on your work. We stress, however, that the choice of whether or not to pay to view critiques will have no implication on whether your work is passed on to a publisher.