Episode 2
The hexatometer that Harry had to pass under is a monstrous thing and monstrous is the right word. It’s a green-scaled dragon that’s been taught to sniff out wands, potions, and Old Spice deodorant. Harry took a deep breath as the TSA witch waved for him move through.
“Here goes nothing,” muttered Harry darkly.
“Get on wit’ ya, we haven’t got all day,” groaned the wizard behind Harry.
Harry lifted his arms and put them out to his sides and helicoptered under the itchy nose of the dragon.
“Puh hew,” sneezed the dragon.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” asked Harry dizzily.
“It means the hexatometer thinks you should use deodorant you stupid git,” the TSA witch said savagely. A small savage took umbrage—Harry’s former professor.
“Crap,” Harry grumbled. “So much for Fred and George’s super sanitizing soap.” Fred and George had insisted that the girls world ‘fall all over’ him.
“Now step over there.” She pointed to a spot that had the outline of two clawed feet on the carpet.
“What for?” screeched Harry in a falsetto he didn’t think he still had since going through puberty.
“Because I said so.” The TSA witch turned. “Clean up on aisle seven.”
“What on earth are you talking about?” Harry howled.
“What?” The witch shook her head quickly like she was trying to shake off bees. “Whoops. I mean male orderly needed here.”
A dementor glided toward Harry. All the light around the dark scabrous shape seemed to be sucked into the thing’s robes.
“Those gits are a bigger pain in the butt than Draco Malfoy with bugger pox.”
Harry pulled out his wand and aimed it at the approaching dementor. “Expecto balonum!” Instantly, Oscar Meyer knackwurst cascaded onto the dementor, making it so much pate (the dementor not the knackwurst, I mean who would want knackwurst pate anyway?).
“Harry, it’s expecto patronum ,” Hermione shrieked. She had come back to see why Harry hadn’t come through yet.
“Oh…right. Forgot.” Harry made a ‘doh’ sign by hitting his forehead with the heel of his hand. He used his wand hand and sparks flew from it. Several pieces of plaster were knocked from the ceiling and hit three people standing in the queue.
“My bad,” he said as way of apology to the people slowly getting up out of the rubble, glowering, rubbing their necks and looking for a … (to be continued)
Nullius in Verba 
Hmm…a distinct American flavor (there, I can write your language)to this Harry.
‘My bad’? ‘Bugger pox’?
Minty pointed out that the only spell HP ever seems to remember under stress is ‘Expelliarmus!’
A minimal resource against You-know-who. Still, it seemed to do the trick.
Norm,
Glad to see you are following in the proud Chinese tradition of such titles as:
Harry Potter and The Filler of Big
Harry Potter and the Beaker and Burn
Harry Potter and the Leopard Walkup to Dragon
Personally, I like the hip-hoppishness of “my bad”, I think such things will open up a whole new audience for The One Who The Author Will Not Kill
I think Jerry Kwiatkowski will be crying out “Expelliarmus Methanus!” as a warning to persons in his immediate vicinity in the next “Close Enough” installment. It would show a nice sense of courtesy.
Lexi: I think I meant ‘booger pox’–my bad (by the by, that phrase grates my nerves).
Alan: I’m going for a Harvard Lampoon Bored of the Rings homage. Yet Harry Splutter and Hermione Stranger may not be far enough off the mark and are thus then confused with some other Harry and Hermione.
I Googled “Harry Potter Chinese Knock-offs” and came up with a bunch of stuff. Quite an industry there. The Wikipedia article about “Harry Potter and the Leopard Walkup to Dragon” is particularly enlightening about an avenue into the world of publishing I had never considered. Evidently, all the “author” of this book did was take the text of “The Hobbit”, change most of the names (Gandalf is still there), modify the very beginning and the very end, and POOF, he had himself a marketable bit of literary history.
And I thought it was supposed to be difficult.
Instant bestseller–how could you miss with surefire prose like, “[Harry Potter] thinks about Dali’s face, which is as fat as the bottom of Aunt Penny.” ?