Episode 12…
“Harry, they’re not using wands,” Hermione shrieked shrilly.
Harry had indeed disarmed the battling wizards. Four arms now paired off and arm-wrestled at his feet.
“Brilliant, boy genius,” said Weasel as he refereed the match. “That put an end to the fighting….Not!”
For the two wheezing geezer wizards, it only meant a change in tactics.
Bumblebore clamped down on Russet the Potato’s er Randalf the Potato’s er Randalf the Russet’s leg with his teeth. Randalf the Rancorous er Russet head-butted Bumble the Bore (whoops, sorry got carried away) Bumblebore’s chest.
“Oh bother!” whined Hermione prissily.
She marched over to the two thumping thwacking thaumaturges and booted them both in the butts. “Stop it. Stop this, this instant!” she cooed consolingly (sorry again, I wanted to see if you could write an attribution that didn’t match the text. Nope. So why should I use it? The author queried queasily.) “You two are acting foolishly.”
Randalf untoothed Bumblebore’s ankle and Bumblebore’s head ceased acting like a battering ram on Russet the Potato’s skin, which now had purpling which would lower its value in the stores. The two wise wizards looked at Hermione sheepishly.
“Oh ewe kid,” said Bumblebore to Hermione. His eyebrows jumped up and down on his forehead like caterpillars practicing cheerleading maneuvers.
“Thank ewe, dear,” said Randalf the Red Faced Wizard.
Hermione stomped over to the arms, warily waved her wand at them, (Randalf’s right arm was up by two points), and put each set into handcuffs that she materialized out of thick air. “I’d give these back to you two old gits, but I’m afraid as to what you might use them for, if left to your own devices.”
Nullius in Verba 
Hi, just thought I’d pop over.
You are straying into the realms of the surreal here. Salvador Dali et al.
And still no sign of Draco…
Just being literal.
Gracie Allen used to get big laughs because of her literal take on words.
One time George Burns asked his wife where the beautiful flowers came from.
Gracie: Don’t you remember, George? You said that if I went to visit Clara Bagley in the hospital I should be sure to take her flowers. So, when she wasn’t looking, I did.
I’ve started the day with a laugh. Thank you.
I still can’t get on to the YWO message board, though I removed my cookies as the site suggested.
What a lot of time I shall save…let me know if anything actually happens re new functions.
Alan, I’ve been fretting about Mme de Vercellis – the anecdote on your blog.
There she was, dying, poor soul, when her body lets her down the way they do. She passes it off lightly with a quip, the effort is too much for her and she expires.
Then, dammit, her ‘friend’ goes and tells everyone the story!
That settles it. I’m dying alone.
Not me! It’s going to be, “Honey would you do me a favor and pull my finger?”
Norm,
I should know better than to read your blog while I’m eating lunch. Your “pull my finger” entry nearly made my spinach lasagna pass through my nose. Now I’ll have to check not just between my teeth but elsewhere before I go back on the salesfloor.
Who would have thought that a scholarly book like Mr. Boorstin’s “The Creators” would have some genuine laughs in it? I really enjoyed it and must snag another of his books soon. And Thomas Cahill’s “Sailing the Wine Dark Sea, Why the Greeks Matter” is also turning into an engaging read. No belly laughs yet, but he has managed a subtle dig or two at Dick Cheney, so that’s good.
Alan –
That is my goal: to have you asked by the doctor in the emergency room, “Tell me Mr. Hutcheson, how did you get spinach stuck in your nasal septum?”
That’s my marketing plan: word of nose.
Also, note the keen use of colons.
I used to think I was pretty good at this Having Fun With The Language stuff. I am now revealed as a rank amateur.
Did you get my note about Slush Pile? I got a nice e-mail from Johanna Denize in response to my question about CEGW’s eligibility to participate in their business model. The word is “Sure”, so I’m going to give them a shot.
That’s great news about Slush Pile. I had not caught your note. It must have swum past me at some point.
It will be interesting to see what happens with them. Might be a while since they are still getting the whole thing up and going. Ms. Denize (and maybe others from SlushPile) spent a lot of time on my website before sending their answer to me.
How did you happen across them? I only found them by seeing them on your MySpace page.
I have no idea how they happened to be on my MySpace page. Keep us informed.
Hi I needed a laugh to brighten my day… I knew just where to come:-)
Best wishes
Annie
Hi Alan, I enjoyed the blog post (with added dialogue!)
My top tips for mid-life crisis lists;
1. Rollerblading is easier than skateboarding
2. If you learn a poem, pick one that rhymes and scans, preferably with alliteration, as an aid to memory
3. Steer clear of ‘Crime and Punishment’, it’s deeply depressing
4. Consider taking up restoration of rocking horses
Glad to see the return of the wobbly drawings.
My goals for today are to produce at least a couple more wobbly drawings, contribute to “Harry Splutter” and critique the short story I was assigned on YWO. We will see if any of that fits in with the goals She Who Must Be Obeyed has in mind for my Sunday. I think I’ll be okay.
Hey there,
I’ve written two alternate beginnings to my Okay American Novel. If you’re interested on giving me your thoughts as to which works better let me know and I’ll email the pages to you (about 6 1/2 pages total, not each, total).
You’re on. Ship ’em my direction.
Unlike some more reputable critical services, however, I do not offer money back guarantees.
We just got back from Borders. They are doing their 25% discount for educators days. I got “The Image, a Guide to Pseudo Events in America” by Daniel J. Boorstin. Megan got a couple of manga books, Anne found a few things to use in her classroom and TJ bought “Lamb”. I get it after he’s done.
Did you see that “Lamb” is coming out in some sort of limited edition for this holiday season? As a certified Moore fan I figured you should know.
They’re on the way.
Mary and I loved Lamb and thought it absolutely inspired, plus it’s way more factual than The Da Vinci Code, but then what isn’t?
Hey Norm,
Can I read your alternative starts too?
Lexi,
Yes, of course.
Alan,
Should I write something for Harry Splutter? I don’t wish to interfere if you’ve knocked something out.
Ah, that’s right! Of course, for me a day is not quite correct if I don’t leave at least one goal dangling in the wind.
That was what? a week ago or so?
No sir. Splutter is mine and I shall make good on that during my lunch time today. If I get a lunch, that is.
Back to the stockroom.
So that’s what the hiatus in your blog was, Norm!
I was beginning to think a tree must have fallen on you.
Agog is the word, Alan. Not that I want to put you off, or anything.
I’ve been writing the new beginning to Widowmaker. It’s at 3000+ words. I know I should do my 15 minute writing exercise first….
Anyway, I think it flows well and has a good hook. I keep thinking, “this’ll be the week I put in on YouWriteOn.”
Congrats on Trav Zander being in the top ten at YWO. I am green. Envy y’know. That, or sumpin I et.
Or a Gog and Magog?
I have always like the word “agog”. If memory serves the best reading of that particular word is by Hermione Gingold in the movie “The Music Man”. She plays Mrs. Shinn, the mayor’s wife. The grecian urn tableau is worth the price of admission all by its lonesome.
Okay, now it’s time for Splutterland.
Coming to you in all its yet to be realized glory as an e-mail, Norm.